Is this it?

10 June 2018

My door gives a satisfactory clunk as I pull it shut and turn the key.

I let the railing take my weight as I go up the stair.

A few years ago, a carpenter from the Black Isle laboriously removed decades of paint from those stairs and railings. The house was build c. 1890.

Thirty-three cups of builder’s tea later we both stood in awe, enjoying the simple beauty he’d excavated from generations of white gloss. He wondered out loud why someone would have put such an ornate banister in such an ordinary small house.

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I forget to remember this story as I slump on my bed, phone in hand and start scowling on Facebook.

An hour later I emerge from social media feeling irritated and kind of empty.

When I tune into my feelings I realise I feel very alone and with a sense I’ll always be so.

More than that, I have a sense that my looks and body are slowly but surely moving on a downward trajectory and there’s nothing I can do but watch.

When I tune into my thoughts I recognise that I’m in ‘Is this It? – Land’.

‘Is this It? – Land’ is a pretty dodgy place…

It’s a place where I place attachment onto things that are beyond my control.

It’s looks a bit like a murky stone cellar in a badly made BBC kidnap drama.

It smells damps with a hint of an old ladies rose talcum powder.

Despite its darkness I’ve chosen to hang out in this cellar. I’ve let the thoughts seduce me.

~~~

10 July 2018

My door gives a satisfactory clunk as I pull it shut and turn the key.

I let the railing take my weight as I go up the stair.

I love my stairs as they remind me of the beauty of aging things.  

Today’s my birthday.

I’ve trained at the gym and want to cry with joy that my Achilles feels different. I slowly, tentatively took a lap of the track, like an infant learning to trust her legs for the first time.

Whilst coaching, my client smiles with her eyes as she tells me she feels her strength is returning.

During lunch Scott messages me, telling me he’s a peace loving vegetarian punk and would I like to meet for a drink?

My meeting with my sister and little nieces tastes of hot one-shot coffee, feels warm and soft like a child’s pudding arms and sounds of kind and silly words.

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~~~

It’s taken me most of my 41 years on this planet to learn how to manage my thoughts.

Knowing I choose what I let my mind rest on changes everything.

Knowing that I don’t need to be seduced by the ‘Is This It?’ thoughts.

Our circumstances don’t need to change for us to feel gratitude, contentment, possibility, hope and joy.

Anytime I feel seduced down to my pity cellar I’m going to let my beautiful old banister pull me back up.

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So, “Is this it?”

For me, it’s it for now and it’s pretty good.

And there’s an unwritten future that I haven’t even imagined yet.

~~

As a coach, it’s my joy to help others learn to manage their thoughts, to dream again and to make those dreams real.  ‘Freedom’ and getting ‘unstuck’ are my words that describe what I do.

One to one coaching with me is a great way for us to work together to help you get unstuck, find out more at  www.shonafitness.co.uk/services.

I’m also excited to share that I’m running a retreat in the Scottish Highlands in the second weekend of October, 2018. It will be a place for thoughtful women to come together to work on getting unstuck and on dreaming of the next step.

Please message me if you’d like to be on my ‘Retreat Interest List’ to get an early bird discount on a place.

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