‘Running from or to…? On asking unhelpful or untimely questions.’
A whole day ahead of me with no commitments. Time to write, sketch and reflect.. Bliss.
But first I needed buy some ‘town clothes’. All I have to wear is unwashed outdoor gear and tomorrow I fly to London. So I get a Uber to Boot Barn where I buy a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.
Then I find a craft shop to buy watercolour pens and a sketch pad. But back at my Airbnb the pens and sketch pad remain in the plastic bag. I’m distracted by my thoughts :
I don’t feel ready to go back to ‘normal’ life. I’ve tasted the freedom of this simple outdoors life and I’m scared to let it go.
I start googling The Continental Divide Trail. It’s longer than the PCT, going through 5 states, south bound it starts in New Mexico and ends in Montana. Could I do it next summer? Can I afford to if I rent my house and work my ass off?
‘Woah there Shona’, I tell myself. ‘Weren’t you planning on staying home, digging deeper into counselling and psychotherapy work and mountain leadership training?’
But my mind resists. Maybe I could write a book using my diary extracts from my PCT journey? Maybe the CDT could be part 2! Maybe I’ll have as much impact on people’s well-being through hiking and writing as I have from my counselling and retreat work?
I boil my question down to:
‘Am I running away from my life
or am I running to my life?’
The more I think about this the more confused and exhausted I become.
Before I drift off to sleep I find a new thought:
“Stop making it binary.”
It doesn’t have to be a ‘black or white’, a ‘to or from’, a ‘right or wrong’. And I’m ridiculously privileged to even be wrestling with these questions and options.
And it’s too early for me to make any big decisions about what’s next. I’ve good clarity about my direction for the next 6 months.
I’ve town clothes, colouring pens, iron in my blood, a parasite free gut and a flight home tomorrow.
I’ve people who love me waiting for me. All of this is enough. All of this is more than enough.